It's been a while. Exactly two years. But, who's counting? I can still remember the last day we spoke. You were so sad because I wouldn't be attending the same school anymore; I was being sent to an alternative school- a school for the kids society's given up on. I knew you were sad. But, much like me, you were raised not to show your sorrow. You were raised to be tough while in the presence of friends- but to cry your heart out when you were alone. But, since you and I were a lot alike in that perspective- I could see past the tough exterior. I knew that you wanted to cry- and, I hope that you knew that I did, too. Even though we exchanged numbers, I knew that we would eventually lose contact. We would no longer see each other every day. After all, school was all we had. I remember cutting lunch period with you just so we could spend time together. I remember standing under the stairs for the entire 20 minutes- just talking about nothing. And, what amazed me the most was, though we were alone and very close... you never tried a damn thing. I, also, remember the day we met. It was when I was in my second year of 9th grade and you were beginning 10th. The first day of the first semester. Lunch period. I was hanging out with my best friend, Philip and he introduced me to you and Melissa. I wouldn't even remember Melissa except that she marks the day I met you. From that point on, we became good friends. The way we went about- I'm sure most passerbys thought we were more than friends. I saw the looks people gave us from a distance. But, I didn't care. For some reason- being with you- it felt right. Even though you weren't the cutest guy I'd ever known, even though you didn't have money a nice car or anything I'd consider nice for that matter, even though you were a guy- being with you felt right. But, I had a girlfriend. So, I never said anything. Besides, even if I didn't have a girlfriend- you did. So, I was afraid to say anything about what I felt for you. That, and, I wasn't sure exactly what it was I felt for you. Until I broke up with my girlfriend on the spur-of-the-moment one day when you were in the back of my mind. The day I told her it was over, I was thinking about you. But, I never told you that.
But, I wanted to so badly. I wanted to tell you how obvious it was that you were on my mind every moment of every day. I wanted to tell you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't stop thinking about what it would've been like to kiss your lips- to have you hold me the way you held me at lunch every day. But, I was so afraid you'd reject me. Not because of who I am. But because of what I am. After all, I was never exactly like all the other girls. In fact, in my mind, I was never a girl at all. And, I was so afraid you'd never accept that. I was terrified that you'd make me change, even if you did. I should've known you better than that. You accepted me for what I was way before anyone else did. I always say that Andy was the first person I came out to- but, in actuallity it was you. You knew that I was Benji long before any of my "best friends knew. Because, I felt so comfortable with you that I wasn't afraid to let you know.And, you didn't care. Even after that, you still let me lay my head on your chest to listen to you breathe. You still walked me back to class every day after lunch. You still held my books for me when I needed to tie my shoe. You still treated me better than any guy, girl or transgender has ever treated me since. And I liked you for that. And I loved you for that. You didn't even care when people saw us from a distant and thought  knew we were two guys holding each other in the hallway. In fact, I remember you laughing about it and drawing even more attention by kissing my cheek. If I think long and hard about it, I can still feel your lips touching my skin. So soft and electric. It still has my breath stopping when I think about it. There are so many things about you that I will never forget. I will never forget your beautiful blue eyes. I will never forget the way you gave me your last two dollars so I could eat when I was being told I had to pay (even though I didn't) even though it meant that you wouldn't be able to eat because they were giving you the same problem. I will never forget your soft smile- you had a hint of a dimple when you grinned. I will never forget your blond hair that felt so soft between my fingers. I will never forget the feeling of your arms wrapped around me- making me feel safe.I will never forget the way your lips felt every time they touched my cheek. I will never forget the day you grabbed my hand and then suddenly pulled back as if you realized what you were doing and felt embarrassed. I wish you would've held it longer. Every time you kissed my cheek, I wanted so badly to turn my head in a way that would force you to kiss my lips, instead. But, I was afraid. I was young and stupid. (I also forgot to mention that I will never forget the smell of your cologne. Sometimes I still smell it when I'm holding someone else) You and I... we were a lot alike. We were fighting the same battles. Living the same nightmares. You had only your father, I had only my mother. And, even when you had your mother... she was an abusive drunk. The same could be said about my father. At a young age, both of us were forced to get jobs and help support the family. Which, would explain why we only saw each other in school. It would also explain why it was so hard for us to keep girlfriends (or girlfriends or boyfriends in my case). We simply didn't have the time. Unlike the rest of our friends, both of us lived in trailers instead of houses. (I live in a house now, what about you?) While everyone else had IPods and MP3 players- we had CD players that hardly worked anymore. Insteading of wearing Fubu, Tripp, Air Force Ones and Vans. We were wearing New Bounderies and Wal Mart brand shoes. But, we made due with what we had. Somehow, we got through it alive. Remember when I borrowed your All American Rejects CD and kept it for like... five months? I wasn't keeping it because I wanted to keep it- I was keeping it so I could have something to remember you by while I was home alone. I was keeping it so I could listen to it and think of you miss you. Boy, how I hated weekends. I couldn't stand not being around you. Every weekend, I would spend my days counting down the hours until I could see you again. And, when I did, there was nothing I loved better than racing to you and jumping into your arms. While I was with my girlfriend, I think she grew jealous. She developed a sudden hate for you- even though you once were best friends. But, who could blame her? I did have feelings for you. And, when me and her broke up- and I got with Tony instead of you- I could see your heartbreak when you found out. And that killed me inside. At that moment, I wanted so badly to tell you everything- but, you walked away. And, the very next day, I got in a fight. Though it wasn't, they accused it of being "premeditated assault". I was suspended and sent to an alternative school for the rest of the year.That day, I searched everywhere for you. When, finally, I found you and told you- I could see your heart breaking all over again. And, I found myself dying even more inside. I can still feel you holding me that day. You were holding me so tight- I could bearly breathe. I didn't say anything, though. Because, I was holding you just as tightly. That day, you kissed my cheek. I almost moved my face- but, I didn't. Instead, I kissed yours back. I only saw you once after that day. The day I went to the school to be signed out of the school and get transferred to the next. I was standing outside the office and you walked past. Our eyes met- and, I'm sure you could see my heartbreaking. We smiled at each other. But, said nothing. I wanted to leap into your arms and confess. But, I didn't. I haven't seen you since. I still think about you and I still wonder what could've been. But, I'm afraid I might never know. I'm stronger now, and if I saw you on the streets tommorow, I'd tell you how I felt everything. I'm sorry that I ended up with him instead of you. I'm so sorry I never told you everything. I'll always think of you as the one that I let get away. Always. And, I'll always go on wondering what could've would've been had I the courage to say the three words that were on my tongue everytime you held me         

Sincerly yours,
the one that you let get away.

PS Do you still think of me, too? 

Note: I tried to do an LJ cut for this one... but it isn't working... it keeps posting funny... doing multiple LJ cuts (a cut per line) tips on fixing this problem? o-O

1) Stop shoving your nose in his butt! He doesn't like that!
2) Gross! Don't lick her vulva! She's not a puppy and you're not her mother.
3) If you're gonna lick your balls, could you at least not do it on the couch?
4) Drop that poop or you're not getting no treats tonight!
5) The litter box is not your cookie jar!
6) No! Don't sniff his... crotch...
7) Stop humping your sister! (seriously, I said this one to Precious the other day. o_o FYI [because I know someone will say something] even altered dogs hump; it's a nervous and excitement thing)
8) Humping is not a proper way to greet people.
9) Do not put your vulva (or balls) in my face!
And, last but not least...
10) Your poop really stinks... did you get in the garbage and eat that old meat again?

my ulcers are acting up. Ugg... I need a break. I need to get out of here or something.

If I go to the court date tommorow, I'll post about it.